I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
