Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
