Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
