dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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