There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
