Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
