Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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