i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
