Nicole vs. Life
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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