I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
