connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
