the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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