So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
