Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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