32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
