Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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