that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize