oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize