I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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