I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize