Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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