and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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