I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
