i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
