oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
