tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
