Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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