Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
