i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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