I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
it's like heaven, but drunker
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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