He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
