i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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