I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
