dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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