bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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