I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize