I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Randomize
