she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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