why didn't you poke me back
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
