As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
