If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
