can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
