why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
