I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The air taste purple.
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