My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
