I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
