Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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