This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
