woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
why do cheetos always look like penises
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize