So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
