Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I did not marry a roomba.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
