fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
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