remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
