i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
