so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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