i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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