he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
